Loss by Relationship

Anniversaries are typically joyful occasions, whether people are celebrating the anniversary of a wedding or marking a major milestone in a career. One type of anniversary that is not often discussed is that of the death of a loved one. The first anniversary of someone’s death is often met with complex feelings, and those feelings can be deeper for families grieving the death of a child.

Preparing Yourselves

As you prepare for the first anniversary since your child died, you may feel anxious or fearful about how you and your family will handle the day. The last year, and any painful years or months your family experienced prior to that due to your child’s illness or traumatic event, have been full of moments you never wished you had to endure. It is important to reflect on what and who got you through each moment of joy, sorrow, fear, anger, anxiety, and more.

Perhaps you relied heavily on your faith, your faith community, neighbors, friends, and family. Maybe daily walks with your dog gave you peace and time to breathe. Some coping mechanisms may have worked for your entire family, a few of you, or for individuals. How your family spends the first anniversary can be influenced by what has supported each of you over the past year. It is also important to communicate with family about what you would like to do that day, and perhaps incorporate the things that were most important to your child.

An Annual Celebration of Life

Let everyone in the family choose an activity or meal. It may be something that brings them peace, or, most likely, it would be an activity or food your child loved. Your family may find hope or comfort in doing activities, such as hiking, playing certain games or sports, playing fetch with your dog, or going to a restaurant that reminds them of the child who died. This could mean a day filled with “Star Wars,” fishing, “Cocomelon,” ice cream, puzzles, or at a baseball game.

You may choose to have a picnic or cook together before visiting your child’s grave. You may also enjoy honoring your child by donating toys to a meaningful children’s charity. There are countless ways to make the day special, and it can unite the family if everyone has a voice in how the day is spent.

You are celebrating your child’s life on this day. Be prepared to laugh and cry. Many families find it so healing to participate in these types of activities, that they become an annual family tradition and a beautiful day of remembrance. It is a day full of joy and sorrow, as hopes and dreams are mourned and a life full of memories is honored. Take the day to celebrate your precious child and the many ways in which they changed your lives.

Afterwards

The first anniversary is yet another day of the unknown, and many people often experience relief after the day passes. After the first anniversary, you are now fully in a new normal, and that is both comforting and hurtful. Navigating every day for the first year is inexplicably difficult, and the days afterward are still full of grief and unexpected triggers.

Just remember, you made it through the first year, and you have undoubtedly built coping skills. Continue to rely on your family, friends, clergy, and therapists. It is a terrible new normal that you live in without your child, and you will always find ways to celebrate and honor who they were. Most importantly, they are always your child.

Arriving home from the hospital, hospice care, or the funeral home is a heavy moment. Your home can feel empty even when it is full of people. Everywhere you turn, there are memories of your child, from their favorite plates and spot on the couch to their bedroom full of clothes and toys. The pain, sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and distress that can be felt seeing Lego’s, dolls, tiny socks, and bedding is immense.

It is natural to wonder what to do with your child’s belongings – and when to deal with it. There may be people in your life who insist that it is time to pack it up or that it will be good for you if you do. They are trying to help, even if their comments are not helpful. What may be useful, however, is for you to remind yourself that there is no timeline. It will happen when you and your family are ready, and that is the right time.

Stages

It may also be helpful to pack your child’s toys and clothes in stages, but it is also OK if it feels right to do it all at once. It is important to discuss plans with your family though, because some family members may feel hurt if they come home from work or school and see your child’s closet empty.

The first stage is deciding whether to gather everything all at once or in bits. You may decide to sort through clothes first, or tackle a place, such as the closet, dresser, or the garage filled with toys. You will want to keep some items because of the memories attached to them and how they represent your child. Other things may be donated. You will know what to do. Take your time.

Next, it can be helpful to put things in boxes or containers and leave them until a decided date in a couple of weeks. This gives you a chance to breathe and rethink which items you are keeping. It gives you time to be fully ready for items to leave your home. You have to first be OK with packing up their room and then be ready for all those precious things to leave your home. Give yourself permission to cry, and go as slowly or quickly as you need.

Gently Used Clothes and Toys

Deciding what to do with board games, stuffed animals, sweaters, and coats is also a big decision. Begin by giving everyone in the immediate family the opportunity to choose things to keep in the home. Grandparents and close aunts, uncles, and cousins may also want to pick an item or two, such as a meaningful gift they gave your child.

Gently used clothes and toys can be donated. Think about where your child would want their belongings to go. There may have been a charity that supported your family throughout an illness, or perhaps your child fundraised for a charity at school each year. Your faith community should have a list of local missions they support, too, and those nonprofits will certainly benefit from both clothes and toys.

Children’s hospitals can accept unworn and unopened toys to help patients cope with their hospital stays. No matter where these items are donated, take comfort in knowing ill or underserved kids will be cared for in your child’s memory.

Big Decisions

Your family has faced countless difficult decisions recently – with each one harder than the last. Deciding what to do with your child’s room, and all that is inside, is yet another decision that will weigh heavily on you. You know what is best for your family’s grief, both together and individually.

Give yourself permission to go at whatever pace feels right. You may be surprised at how a pajama set or book makes you feel. Tell stories as you sort everything into boxes to keep or donate. Cry, laugh, and reflect as each game, toy, bike helmet, school project, and winter coat brings up a loving memory.

Children’s birthdays are full of joy, mixed with a bit of craziness, as families try to create the party of their kids’ dreams each year. When a child dies, and their birthday comes around, it is painful knowing that they did not reach this new age. Every birthday will be a reminder that they are frozen at the age at which they died. Their birthdays may now bring sadness, but there are ways to make the day special again.

Celebrations

Children’s birthdays often have themes that reflect what they love, particularly popular movie and TV characters, toys, and sports, and your family can still celebrate your child’s birthday with a theme that lets your child’s personality shine. Your other children may find a lot of hope and healing in being in charge of a small birthday party for the family to attend.

There are countless ways to have a family birthday party. It can be meaningful to bake a cake together in your child’s favorite flavor and add as much icing as they would have wanted. Your family may enjoy singing to your child before watching a slideshow of their past birthday parties. It can be a much needed fun day celebrating your child how they would have wanted.

In Memory Of

Many families add meaning to a difficult day by caring for other children on their child’s birthday. You can request that your family and your child’s friends bring presents, just as they would to any birthday party. Local children’s charities and children’s hospitals welcome toys and books for all ages, and your family can donate the gifts in your child’s memory. What a beautiful way to care for others while honoring your own child.

New Birthday Traditions

Your child’s birthday is another day to remember them and ensure the impact they had on you, your family, and others stays strong. However you choose to celebrate – whether it is with a small family gathering, a themed party with their friends, donations, or a nice dinner out with family – is the right way to celebrate.

Like every part of grief, there is no right or wrong way. Your family will find what fits for you, and it will be a beautiful day remembering a wonderful kid.

Navigating daily life without your child is painful and difficult beyond words. As you grieve and figure out a new normal, there are special days that can trigger big feelings and deep grief for you and your family. Holidays, both major and minor, add a layer of emotions, uncertainty, and memories.

Halloween, Fourth of July, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Memorial Day, and even Labor Day may be filled with family traditions. Your family may always go to a lake in May, or host a BBQ before heading off to see the local fireworks in July. Halloween may be filled with costumes influenced by your child’s favorite TV character. The bigger holidays, such as Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Ramadan, and Hanukkah add a religious element, deeper traditions, and generations of stories passed down.

These days will each be tough in their own way, but you will cope and find new meaning in these normally joyful holidays.

Old Traditions

Before each holiday, begin by reminiscing. Determine if everyone has the energy for a big family gathering or if you need to keep it smaller this year. Respecting how each person feels and what they can handle will keep your family close and the communication open. Traditions that remind people of your child may be too painful for them to keep this year, and others will want to highlight some traditions because of the connection to your child.

Reflect on how your family celebrates each holiday, and ask each family member to share what they remember your child’s favorite parts of each day were, including food, songs, decorations, and car rides around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights. It is both healing and important to give everyone a voice in deciding which traditions to highlight, especially children. Children process their emotions through play, and giving them as much agency as possible over their environment helps them express themselves.

New Traditions

In honor of your deceased child, your family may want to create new traditions. Siblings may have great ideas on how best to honor your child at each holiday with a special decoration or activity that becomes a part of your family. These new traditions can be healing and help you feel connected to your child as much, if not more, than an old family tradition.

Grant Yourself Permission

Be prepared for heavy emotions to surface, and be patient with each other. Spotting decorations at a store and seeing presents your child would have loved can be a trigger. Your other children may not want to go to school on days with holiday parties and events, or they may start misbehaving. Holidays are already stressful, and now you are grieving the unthinkable: the loss of your child.

Give yourselves permission to feel. It is OK to be happy and enjoy the day. It is also OK to cry and be sad and angry that your child is not there to open presents, stare bright-eyed at fireworks, trick-or-treat, or overload their plate with mashed potatoes. You can still miss your child and enjoy the holiday at the same time. It is part of grief.

The first few days after a loved one dies can be incredibly hard to navigate. Those days are full of uncertainty, as you are forced to make decisions and plans, people are calling and stopping by your house, and you wonder how to handle normal activities. You may walk through the days in a fog, and coping with the deep sadness of grief when you lost your sibling can add to the feelings of uncertainty.

Sibling Relationships

The relationships between siblings can be complicated. You have shared holidays, homes, schools, pets, and family dynamics. Many siblings are very close due to their shared experiences, while others may have had conflicts that become seemingly impossible to move on from over the years. Still others have relationships somewhere in between.

When your sibling dies, the relationship you had, including any regrets or gratitude, are at the forefront. It hits heavily right away. The nature of the relationship between you and your sibling can add complicated feelings to your grief. Self-awareness can help you cope with those feelings, no matter what they are.

Loneliness and Confusion

The death of your sibling can feel isolating, and living without them is living in the unknown. It is utterly confusing and disorienting. You have lost a companion you have had since birth. The two of you, and if applicable, other siblings, shared stories that no one else knows. From the silly to the serious, it may be helpful to write these family stories down. Record them for you, for your sibling’s children, and for your children. What you write will tell the story of siblings who moved together, played sports together, fought over toys and the remote, and held secrets from your parents. There are decades of adventures and conversations between the two of you.

If your relationship was strained, regret and anger may surface. You may wish you had healed the relationship or found some level of peace. It is always healthy and important to seek support after the death of a loved one. If you had a complicated and strained relationship with your sibling, then be sure to process any feelings of guilt, regret, and anger, and express what you wish you could have said to them.

New Birth Order

When your sibling dies, you now have both an old and new birth order. For instance, if you are the youngest, and your older sibling dies, you are now the youngest and an only child. You may either be used to offering advice or seeking advice from your sibling. Immediately after their death, you may pick up the phone to call them to help make funeral decisions before realizing they are not there to guide you or for you to guide them. Acknowledge how difficult this added aspect of your grief is.

Always Your Brother or Sister

While the shared experiences and stories you and your sibling have can complicate your grief, they can also help you cope. One day, a photo can make you smile at the memory and the shenanigans that occurred. The next day, that photo may trigger heavy sobbing. Both of those are healthy responses to losing the unique relationship you had with your sibling. Remember that they are always your brother or sister.

There is no perfect time for your children to return to school after the death of their sibling. You can prepare yourself, your children, and their school as best as you can. It is possible that they will insist on going back to school then change their minds. Be patient with your kids while they seek some sort of normalcy when nothing else seems to make sense.

Communication

Your child’s teachers, coaches, school counselor, principal, and other leaders will need to be aware that your child is grieving. Some kids feel comforted that trusted adults know they are hurting, and others may feel embarrassed. Assure your children that teachers and counselors at school can only help them if they know about their loss.

If your child’s grades drop or they begin misbehaving, then their teachers will know why. Such changes in performance and attitude are common with children as they try to understand death and their new normal without their sibling. Having a safe space for them to process feelings at school can help kids who may otherwise hold in their feelings.

Flexibility

Children love consistency and comfort, and school may help them when their world has fallen apart with the death of their sibling. It is part of their normal routine, after all. Your child’s school and you may agree to let them ease in with half days or a couple of days a week until your child feels safe to be at school all day and all week. Give your child a voice on when and how they go back to school, and be flexible with them. They may think they can handle school, but then they may call you crying in a few hours. Your patience with them can help them feel safe. It may help them to know that you are also unsure of how much work you can handle, and they may feel comforted knowing you went for a half of a day, then went home.

Seeking Normalcy

School, sports, and other after-school and weekend activities are normal. They are what your kids know. Your kids are also used to having a sibling who needs help with homework and a ride home from soccer just like them. Home can be sad without their sibling, and they may think that going back to school will help them forget for a bit. Getting back to their routine is a distraction that can bring comfort, but the sadness will still be present.

Your children can feel safe to have and express emotions when they are continually reassured that no matter what decision they make, whether to return to school and sports or to stay home, is the right decision. The important thing is that they feel safe to share how they feel with you, teachers, counselors, and coaches. Validate their need for normalcy while helping them see that all of you have a new normal. New normals are hard.

There are a lot of events that parents cannot wait to plan for their child, such as birthday parties, baptism celebrations, bar and bat mitzvahs, graduation parties, and weddings. No parent ever wants to plan their child’s funeral; however, that is where you find yourself.

Children dying never makes sense. It is not the order of life we anticipate, and it is utterly heartbreaking. Your family is facing unimaginable heartache. Perhaps your child has had a chronic condition since birth that is life limiting. Maybe they have been battling cancer with bravery, yet now there are no more treatment options. Perhaps they were born too early, and their tiny body cannot survive.

Whatever the cause, you have made countless decisions you never thought you would have to make, and now you are planning the one event that a parent hopes never comes. With the help of caring funeral directors, your clergy, and patient, compassionate friends, you can create a memorial service that is as beautiful and unique as your child, whether their life with you was days or years.

Children in Attendance

Many people worry about children attending funerals, regardless of whose life is being celebrated. There may be some concern about children not understanding what is happening. Allow them to ask questions, and do your best to answer patiently. When it comes to their behavior, it helps to create a safe space for them to process their grief. That may include having coloring pages available or leaving spots on the program for doodling.

Children usually have a large circle of loved ones, including siblings, cousins, friends from school, neighborhood pals, and teammates. These kids may all want to come to the funeral, and their attendance can lay a strong foundation for their grief as much as it can for an adult. It is OK to acknowledge that seeing other children who were close to your child may hurt. Seeing them can also give you hope and connect you to your child. They will miss your child, too.

Other adults who knew your child will likely want to attend as well. Teachers, coaches, and babysitters had an impact on your child’s life, but your child also impacted their life. It is truly touching to see the room filled with people who want to celebrate your child's short but wonderful life.

Planning the Service

When it comes to planning a child’s funeral, the ideas are endless. Unless it brings you comfort, you can forego having a funeral full of dark clothes and soft lighting. You have the flexibility to let the service truly reflect your child’s personality and life.

If your child spent every opportunity in their fishing boat, their boat can be outside the funeral home, filled with flowers. If they loved all things glittery, then their casket can be purple with glitter. If your child played baseball, their uniform can be displayed.

People often find comfort in seeing and feeling the child’s personality shine bright throughout the funeral service. Your family may find hope in seeing everyone in Astros orange and blue or in t-shirts covered in butterflies. Think about what your child would have loved, and incorporate those elements as you see fit.

Talking is Healthy

The years, months, or days leading up to your child’s funeral are full of worry, fear, and sadness. Planning their funeral can feel the same way, and the days, months, and years after the funeral are full of complicated grief.

The unknown is hard to comprehend, but it is healthy to talk about it. There are many great resources to guide siblings in coping with their grief online and in person. For parents, seeking support from a therapist or clergy, separately and/or together, is a healthy step to take. Your child’s funeral is an expression of your love and who they were, just as grief is full of deep emotions and love.

It can be incredibly confusing and disorienting for a sibling to die, regardless of how old you are. For young children, death is hard enough to understand as it is, and it can be even more difficult when their brother or sister dies. Children look to the adults in their life to learn how to grieve and express their emotions. It is important for them to understand that it is OK to be sad and mad, to cry, and to laugh again.

Each age group has a different understanding of the finality of death, and children generally process feelings through play. It helps children cope when they have time to play after they learn of their sibling’s illness, impending death, or death. Their play can be free play or with an intentional coping activity. Memory making is a healing way for children to process their feelings and be connected to their sibling.

Making Memories Before Death

Pediatric Chaplains and Child Life Specialists are great resources for siblings before, during, and after the death. If your child has a terminal illness, the sooner their siblings know what will happen, the better. Child Life Specialists can give parents the best words to explain death for each sibling’s age and developmental level, and Pediatric Chaplains can join their colleagues in supporting all of your children in coping both emotionally and spiritually. Both of them will have activities in their toolbox to help. Sometimes they may utilize the same activity, but from a different point of view, which gives your children more opportunities to wrestle with their questions and express their feelings.

If your dying child has days or months to say “goodbye” to their family, then there are beautiful memory-making activities to do as a family, or just for siblings, that can have a lasting impact. These activities allow your child to leave a legacy, and they can have as much agency over what they do and how they are remembered as possible. Such agency can bring them peace, help them grow closer with their siblings, and support sibling grief.

One wonderful activity is making a family tree out of fingerprints. Have someone draw an outline of a tree on a large poster board, and get multiple colors of stamp ink. Let your children assign colors to different categories of family: immediate family (your children and their parents), grandparents, and then aunts, uncles, and cousins. Pets can be included with their paw prints, too.

Your child may want one special color for themselves, to be represented by the same color as you and their siblings, or may want to fill their name on the trunk of the tree. Allow the family to fill the tree in their designated colors. This memory-making activity is something siblings can look at for years, and their own sibling’s fingerprint will be on the tree with theirs. It is a lasting representation of the personal, detailed fingerprints of everyone who is connected to each other.

Making Memories After Death

There is not always time or the ability to say “goodbye” in more than words and hugs. In this case, the activities will likely take place after your child passes.

One activity that surviving siblings can do together is make a memory box. Each sibling can have a box of the same size, and they can decorate them how they’d like. They may want to simply color them in, or they may opt to add glitter and photos. Encourage them to decorate the box to represent their sibling and their relationship with the sibling.

Your children can fill these boxes with anything that reminds them of their brother or sister. Whenever they feel sad, lonely, or want a reminder of their sibling, they can open their memory box and remember. Both making the memory box and reflecting on what is inside is a healing grief activity for any age.

Another memory-making activity is to get a large jar or container and a packet of construction paper. Assign feelings to colors of paper, such as red for “angry” and blue for “sad.” Each color represents a feeling they have or memory about the death of their sibling. Tear the paper into strips, and place the strips of paper and the jar in a prominent area with a marker or pen. Anytime a sibling has a strong feeling to express or memory to share, encourage them to write it down on the appropriate colored paper and put it in the jar. It will likely become a habit for them, and the jar can be a safe space to articulate how they feel.

Giving Children Tools to Grieve

Children rarely tell the adults in their life that they had a bad day and need to talk. They process through play. Memory-making activities give them a healthy, intentional outlet for their grief. They have a lot of big feelings to express when their sibling dies, and memory making can create a safe space to play out those feelings.

Birthdays and holidays are usually full of happy memories and traditions, as well as some high emotions. When a sibling dies, it can be hard to navigate these moments. This article shares some ways that siblings of all ages can get through notable holidays after their brother or sister dies, and learn to find comfort in these special memories.

Age Can Make a Difference

How your family celebrates holidays and birthdays may change based on the ages of the surviving children. If your child lost a sibling, then giving them a voice over how your family honors your child on birthdays and holidays can help them express their grief.

If your own sibling died when you were an adult, then holidays and birthdays will feel different depending on how often you saw your sibling and how close you were. If you only saw your siblings on holidays and gave them a phone call on their birthdays, then it is normal to have heavy feelings of nostalgia and sadness while celebrating with friends or your own family. If you go home and gather with your family, be prepared for feelings of grief to surface heavily when certain family traditions take place. Those big feelings can sometimes lead to arguments amongst siblings and parents, but you can do your best to channel that energy and emotion into positive moments.

Birthdays

If your child has died, give their siblings the assignment to design a birthday party for their deceased brother or sister. If your own sibling has died, think of a tradition that you kept on their birthday since you were kids. Maybe you always bought each other gag gifts, and if so, you can buy yourself one on their birthday. You could choose to donate to their favorite charity in their honor, and make a toast to them at dinner. Jump on the group chat with your siblings, and share memories of wild birthday parties. It is a day to celebrate who your sibling was to you.

Holidays

The traditions your family has kept for years can be hard to handle without your sibling. Before Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and other holidays, chat with your other siblings or your parents about the roles your deceased sibling held. If they always grilled the burgers or hosted a BBQ on the Fourth of July, decide together who will take over that role. If they were known for going all out with their Halloween decorations, you can decorate your homes or your parent’s home more extravagantly than ever before, in honor of your sibling.

What is most important is that you talk to each other before each holiday. It is common for families to argue or irritate one another on holidays, despite the hope for fun, games, and gift giving. Grief can make every emotion stronger, which means communicating before the day arrives is a healthy way to prepare for a tough day. Chatting ahead of time may help create more opportunities to honor your sibling and celebrate the things they loved about each holiday.

You and Your Sibling

Grief over a sibling is unique and can be lonely. You had a special relationship that no one else had. If it was a strained relationship, then you may experience some guilt or even anger for things left unsaid. Holidays and birthdays may make those feelings resurface. If you were close, then you mourn the secret language you had, the way you protected each other, and the special memories you had trying to sneak downstairs to catch a glimpse of Santa together. No matter the relationship, you will find ways to honor their empty chair at holidays, and those ways can represent the special love that only you two had.