Type of Loss

Remembering and grieving every part of a person who died by suicide can be difficult because of the extreme emotions you may be feeling. Anytime there is a major life change, including job changes, moving homes or cities, divorce, or the death of a pet or human, we tend to remember one aspect of what we lost. We either focus more heavily on the good memories, or we zero in on the bad moments. They both matter, especially when it comes to remembering someone lost by suicide.

Lows

A person who died by suicide undoubtedly had struggles. They may or may not have attempted suicide a few times or spent time in hospitals. They may have been in and out of therapy. There may have been conflicts in your family as you tried to help them as best you could with the energy and resources you had.

After a suicide, families can feel a lot of anger, guilt, and shame. They may ask themselves a lot of “what if” questions, and it is common to be angry about the death and the effect their struggles had on you and your family. It is important to process the difficult experiences of their life and the feelings you have about those hard times. Grieving the hard times helps us accept that they were not perfect. They tried. They went to therapy, sought help, and often smiled through pain. The lows are a part of who they were.

Highs

There were certainly great moments in your loved one’s life and your time with them. It is possible that the good memories took place a long time ago, or perhaps you had a fun night with them recently and thought they were doing well. Oftentimes, after a suicide, it is hard for people to remember the silly, fun, and happy times with your loved one.

It can be easier and more natural to spend time thinking about all the tough times as you process their death. There are good things to remember though. It can give you peace to make a list of family trips that went well, fun or thoughtful gifts you gave each other, and your favorite parts of your loved one’s personality, whether that was their sense of humor or generosity. You can honor them by remembering the beautiful parts of their character and life. The highs are a part of who they were.

The Whole Person You Loved

The emotions experienced when grieving a death by suicide are deep and extreme. We can catch ourselves grieving one part of the person: the lows or the highs. Every part of them matters. For your own healing, give yourself permission to laugh and smile at the highs and be angry about the lows.

Remembering both the good and the bad helps us grieve, accept, and honor every part of the person or place.

After major traumatic events, especially the death of a loved one, people are often told, “You need to be strong.” At that moment, those people are trying to be compassionate, but what they are really saying is, “Hold in your emotions.” It is time we redefine what it means to be strong.

When you are grieving the death of a loved one by suicide, a key step is giving yourself permission to grieve as your heart and mind tell you. Being strong means being honest with how you feel. Children learn to grieve by watching the trusted adults in their lives, so being strong for them really means knowing how to express the wild emotions of grief. Cry when you need to cry. Be angry (in a productive way) when you need to be angry. Talk when you need to talk. That is strength.

We cannot be strong alone though. We need others.

Self-Care is Strong

Self-care is one of the few words with the prefix “self” that is not at all selfish. If it is hard to set aside time for yourself, remember that each moment spent for you gives you more energy to be present for others. This applies on a daily basis and is much more important when someone you love died by suicide.

Reflect on what has consistently filled you up throughout your life. Think about what gives you peace, permission to cry, and makes you feel whole. When grief is raw and fresh, it is hard enough to remember to empty the dishwasher, and it is more than OK to schedule 15-30 minutes in your calendar just for you. That reminder can help you build resiliency and create space for your own grief. It is strong to take care of yourself.

Seeking Help is Strong

One of the greatest steps you can take for yourself and others is to talk. Given how lonely grief after death by suicide is, finding suicide-specific support groups can bring you validation.

Joining a support group can be intimidating and possibly make you nervous. Those feelings are normal, but you can give yourself a little nudge and try it out. You may feel hopeful once you hear others sharing how it felt to receive the news that their loved one died by suicide or to be the one to find their loved one. You may feel less lonely knowing others have blamed themselves and then found peace. It is strong to talk and surround yourself with people experiencing a similar type of grief.

You Are Not Alone

You might feel lonely in your grief. The complicated grief after a death by suicide can feel incredibly lonely. Despite how it feels, you are not alone.

Grief begins the moment your family finds out someone you love has a terminal illness. This type of grief is called “anticipatory grief,” and it can be experienced over days, weeks, months, or even years depending on how advanced the diagnosis is. We are grieving a person while they are still with us.

The News

Your entire family can be heartbroken when a doctor says such words as “Alzheimer’s,” “end-stage cancer,” or “no more treatment options.” Your mind can be going a mile a minute or feel blank. Some people ask a lot of questions while others focus on feelings. Both are correct. You are now grieving. You are now anticipating your loved one’s death, and they are typically fully aware that they are dying, too. They are grieving and preparing to die while you are anticipating their death.

This moment may or may not come as a shock, depending on how long they have been coping with an illness. Some, like cancer, may begin with aggressive treatment and be one day met with a conversation about palliative care and hospice if all options have been exhausted. With diseases such as dementia or Alzheimer’s, the diagnosis is terminal with different timelines of disease progression.

When your family receives news of a terminal illness, all of you, including your loved one who is dying, can experience every stage of grief. You may be in disbelief and deny this can possibly happen. You may be angry or sad. You may reach acceptance that death will come. However, grief is not a timeline with phases to complete before going to the next step. It is much more like a tumbleweed with all the stages thrown in, experienced at different times, and then re-experienced again later.

Stages

Throughout the days, months, weeks, or years that someone is dying, everyone who is close to them will experience anticipatory grief at different intensities depending on their relationship to them. There are also stages as the end grows near.

We begin to grieve at diagnosis or when the diagnosis becomes terminal. Then, as the disease progresses, we enter a new phase of anticipatory grief. The end is clearer. As they become sicker, whether it is physically or mentally visible, we grieve who that person was, their relationship with us, and what they were able to do. They grieve a loss of independence as they rely more heavily on their family and other caregivers.

You may hear medical providers, especially those in palliative care and hospice, say your loved one is “at a new baseline” as they become sicker. When we have an illness, we hope to get better and return to our normal state. If that is not possible, then each time someone with a terminal illness becomes sicker but cannot return to their normal, then they are at a new baseline. At each new baseline, you may grieve who they were previously and fully experience grief again, and that can happen in stages as each baseline approaches. These stages are all part of anticipatory grief. You are grieving who they were and grieving their death before it happens.

Anticipating “Goodbye”

At some point, death is days or hours away. It is time to say “goodbye,” and your anticipatory grief will no longer be anticipatory. The time spent in anticipatory grief may be painful, but it is also a gift. It is a gift of time. Cherish those days, weeks, or months. Grieve together, leave as little unsaid as possible, reminisce, and make memories.

It is painful to know you are going to lose a loved one due to a terminal illness. Every day is precious. One of the many ways you can cherish the time you have together is to plan for the end, giving your dying loved one as much space to voice their choices.

The Funeral

It will undoubtedly be emotionally exhausting and deeply sad to plan your loved one’s funeral. They are dying, and it hurts. It will, however, be easier on everyone if you make as many plans as possible now rather than after their death.

Funerals honor and celebrate the life of someone we love. Depending on your loved one’s status, this is an opportunity to hear how they would like to be honored. Discuss if they would like flowers or donations to a preferred charity. Ask them about any songs or hymns that have always brought them peace. Perhaps there are readings or poems they want, or there may be certain people they would like to have read, pray, or be pallbearers.

If they are not able to participate in the discussion, then gather with family and try to agree on what they would like. Making these decisions now allows you time to do it calmly, reflect, and honor their wishes over time. It will bring you peace for these decisions to be taken care of before they die, allowing you to focus only on them during their last days.

Wishes for the Last Days

Your loved one may also have wishes for how they spend their last days, and who surrounds them when they die, including pets. Some of their choices may be painful for some people. It is OK to process those feelings. In fact, it is healthy to process them. The goal is to honor their wishes, whether everyone agrees with them or not, as much as possible.

If there were major conflicts with a family member, especially a parent, child, or sibling, your loved one may want to attempt to heal before they die. They may want to leave nothing unsaid. Conversations such as these can be stressful for families, but they can also unite people. They may also want to celebrate Christmas or other major holidays one more time as a family, even if it is the middle of July. Your family can go all out with a celebration full of gift giving and decorations.

They may want to watch their favorite movie with all of the grandchildren, or tell family stories while flipping through photo albums. Listen to their hopes, and grieve together.

Peaceful Planning

Anticipating the death of a loved one after the diagnosis of a terminal illness is full of grief and last moments. The time you have together is a gift, and your family can use the time to plan and fulfill any wishes your loved one has.

Every holiday, vacation, meal, and adventure creates memories, and facing the end of your loved one’s life creates space to reflect on those memories while making new ones. Your loved one’s last days, weeks, or months are full of anticipatory grief as well as the gift of time together. One of the ways you and your family can honor the last moments together is to intentionally build more memories.

Legacy

Many people have ideas on how they would like to be remembered. Offer your loved one space to share what legacy they would like to leave, and help them accomplish it. They may want to write letters to their children or grandchildren. They may want to financially support a charity and ensure their legacy impacts the lives of others. Leaving the legacy your loved one wants to imprint on their family or community can give them peace at the end of life.

Storytelling

A wonderful way to make memories is by storytelling. Storytelling can be done by letters, photos, or verbally. Many people hold stories about their own life and their family’s history, and it can be incredibly meaningful to sit with younger generations and share those memories. The stories live on decades longer when passed down, and younger generations also learn fascinating tidbits about their loved one and their family. Sharing family and personal history can create strong bonds as you prepare to say “goodbye.”

Remembrance

Memories and legacies help us honor and remember people long after they leave us. Dedicate time together to reminisce and reflect on the past, while creating new memories. Building memories during anticipatory grief can lay a healthy foundation for grief after death.

The end of life can be beautiful and peaceful when we hold space for our loved one’s wishes and give them an opportunity to leave a lasting, meaningful legacy.

Grief is always complicated, and it has no timeline. It comes with a host of emotions, and some of those are regularly discussed while some are not. The two that are least discussed are some of the heaviest for those grieving a death by suicide: guilt and shame.

Stigmas

Our culture is steadily talking more openly about mental health issues, but there is a long history of stigmas related to mental health and suicide. While we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go when it comes to discussing and seeking help for anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and attempts, and suicide.

Stigmas can make you feel shame for discussing anyone in your family who is dealing with ongoing mental health issues, and the shame can feel deeper after your loved one dies by suicide. Shame is a feeling you may know all too well, whether you have been able to name it or not.

We often feel shame when experiencing something that does not appear to be normal or is not openly talked about in regular conversation. What we may not realize is that countless others around us are worried about their mental health or that of a friend or family member. It is more normal than we know. You can begin to lessen the shame you experience by talking openly about your loved one’s suicide. It can be healing for you while also giving someone else the permission to get help for themselves or encourage others to get help. Slowly but surely, the stigma around mental health and suicide can lessen.

Asking “What If?”

It is common for people to ask a lot of “what if?” questions after a loved one dies by suicide. You may be asking a lot of them yourself: “What if I got home 15 minutes earlier?” or “What if I had locked up all of the medications?” Write down all of the “what if” questions you are asking. That is where your guilt lies.

When someone dies by suicide, feelings of guilt are normal. When you are grieving a suicide death, you may feel guilty as you wonder what was missed, what more could have been done, and how else your loved one could have been helped. Like shame, the stigma of mental health and suicide often makes people self-conscious about processing feelings of guilt. It is healthy, however, to ask the “what if” questions out loud with your family, clergy, and therapists.

Accept, Face, and Release

Once you can recognize feelings of shame and guilt, as well as what triggers those feelings, you can begin to process them. They are valid emotions that deserve their own space in the grief process. Accepting that they weigh on you gives you the ability to release them. Pretending they are not there will only make them resurface later.

There is strength is saying “I feel shame that he died by suicide, because people act like suicide is too taboo to discuss,” or “I feel guilty that I stopped by the grocery on the way home instead of going straight home. I could have been there in time to save him.” We begin to heal when we accept, face, and release the heaviest parts of grieving a death by suicide.