Expressing Condolences

The fastest way to share news to a large audience, both of joy and of sorrow, is via social media. Pregnancy announcements, engagements, weddings, new pets, the death of a loved one, and the death of beloved pets are often announced on social media.

It has become commonplace to post pictures of people and pets who have died with a note of their recent death. The caption to the photos will often share stories about who they were and the impact they had on the original poster’s life. Making an announcement on social media removes the burden of the bereaved having to call and text countless people, which can be emotionally exhausting.

It can be difficult to know what to say on a public forum such as social media. If the person grieving made a post about the death, then it is appropriate to express your sympathies on social media. If they have not made a social media post, then it is best to reach out by phone, card, or in person.

Tips for Sympathy Messages on Social Media

If you do want to respond to their social media post, here are some suggestions to consider:

• Be brief but genuine and compassionate.
• Send longer, deeper messages by phone or a card.
• Remember that other people, who you may or may not know, will see your note. Your words may help them craft their own response.
• Focus on the person who is grieving.
• Offer support.
• Be as personal as you can.
• Double check your message before posting. Check for typos, ensure names and gender pronouns are correct, and make sure punctuation and reaction emojis are appropriate.

Different Platforms

“X” (formerly Twitter), Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram all have different purposes and uses, but they all have the goal of connecting us and helping the world feel closer. It is up to you to decide whether you are going to post on one or all of these platforms, or alter your message for each.

The easiest way to discern how to craft your post is to mirror the author’s post. If it was full of personal stories, then your brief message can include a personal one. If there were photos, then it would be appropriate to comment on the moment and person captured in the photo.

Keep in mind the purpose of each platform:

• LinkedIn is usually used for business connections, and any announcement of a loss may be brief and professional. Your response can reflect that. Instagram is a photography platform. People can post up to 10 photos at once or in a reel. The photos posted may show happy times with a person or pet they loved, and it would be appropriate to comment on the love and joy in the photos.
• X has a character limit. Let your response be brief but meaningful.
• Facebook can somewhat function like a blog. The grieving person may write a long note about their loved one. Follow your instincts on the type of response while still being respectful and thoughtful.
• All platforms have a private message system you can use if you would like to write more.

Regardless of the platform, social media has become an acceptable way to express sympathy after a grieving person has posted the announcement. Follow their lead, and keep in mind that your response is about the grieving person who posted on social media. It is their grief, and your message can be full of hope, validation, and sympathy while being brief and appropriate for a public forum.

It can be uncomfortable to talk about death and support people as they are beginning the grief process. Even if it is hard, we still want to express our condolences and comfort people we know because we care. Equipping yourself with comforting words and gestures, as well as words to avoid, can help you get out of your comfort zone. Showing empathy helps make those who are grieving feel less alone, and that is a gift in itself.

Thoughts to Keep in Mind

To guide you in finding the right things to say and do, there are a few topics to keep in mind. First, be mindful of the relationship between the deceased and the bereaved person you are aiming to support. Think about how they knew each other and how close they were. Secondly, note your relationship with both the deceased and the person grieving. You may know them both well, one more than the other, or you may only know the bereaved. Reflecting on those relationships will allow the words to be more meaningful.

The timing of when you express condolences is also important to think about before speaking to someone grieving. You may first reach out as soon as you hear the news of their loved one’s death, but that should not be the only time we show we care. Checking in periodically shows a deep sense of empathy and awareness of the way grief flows.

For instance, immediately after a death, lots of friends, family, and co-workers surround people who are grieving. After the funeral, people begin to fade and return to their daily lives. People who are grieving can feel lonely and unsure of how to ask for help. If you offer words of condolence immediately after death, at the funeral, a week or two after the funeral, and more, then you are ensuring the bereaved truly feels your presence and care. They will know you are a safe space when they need a friend.

Words of Comfort

Words of comfort are sincere, thoughtful, and create space for people to not only feel comforted but to feel safe processing the deep feelings of grief. Here are some examples:

• I am thinking of you.
• You are in my prayers.
• You must really hurt. It is OK to cry.
• I will always remember how he/she _______. What are some of your favorite memories?
• I was wondering how you are doing after the funeral. It was a beautiful service, and I have been thinking of you.
• I can’t take the pain away, but I can sit here with you as long as you need. Follow the grieving person’s lead in how they speak of the deceased. If they are still speaking in the present tense, then let them. When they speak in the past tense, then mirror them.
• Use concrete words, especially with children.

Words to Avoid

There are a few phrases to avoid when expressing condolences. Some words and phrases can minimize grief, shut people down when they need to talk, and make the bereaved feel more alone.

• Even if you have experienced a seemingly similar situation, avoid making the grief about you by saying “I know you feel” or “I understand what you’re going through.”
• Be cautious of sayings about Heaven, angels, or an after life. Those may not align with the bereaved person’s beliefs or be comforting.
• Avoid sayings that can be hurtful, such as “everything happens for a reason,” “time heals,” “you’ll move on,” or “they’re watching down on you.”
• Listen more than you speak. Silence can be uncomfortable, and someone will eventually fill the silence. The goal is for the person who is grieving to fill the silence. If you break the silence, then you are leading the conversation and not actively listening. If the grieving person breaks the silence, then they have a safe space to process how they feel.

Speak from the heart, and you will provide the comfort your friends and family need at the time of a loss.

Words have power. They can empower people and bring comfort. They can also hurt and minimize feelings. When someone we know is grieving, we want to choose our words carefully in order to communicate our care and that we are a safe space for them to express their grief.

Avoid Hurtful Platitudes

It is important to feel as comfortable as possible expressing support. When we are anxious about what to say, we are more likely to lean on platitudes that can be hurtful. For example, a popular saying is “everything happens for a reason.” Like many similar statements, this sounds as though it is a comforting saying until we really think about it.

Imagine a couple scenarios. First, a parent forgets to lock the back door, and their toddler gets into the backyard. The toddler slips into the pool, and someone finds the toddler minutes later. Despite CPR and quick EMTs, the child does not live. In another scenario, a healthy husband returns from his daily run only to have a heart attack in the living room. He does not survive.

After both of those tragedies, a friend attempts to comfort a bereaved family member by saying “everything happens for a reason.” The person grieving will wonder what could possibly be the reason for a toddler to drown or a seemingly healthy husband to die suddenly. The bereaved may not respond much, but the comment will more than likely shut them down. It may or may not make them angry or hurt their feelings. It will, however, minimize their tragedy into a life lesson they did not want.

Think First

There are many other platitudes that can create similar feelings. Take a moment and think before writing a card or speaking to a bereaved person. When a common saying comes to mind, take it apart in your mind. Analyze it. Think about it in relation to the bereaved’s grief and how their loved one died. Does the saying bring healing or hurt?

It may be helpful to make a list of words and phrases that have brought you comfort in heavy situations, then look at those words and phrases in the context of your friend’s grief. It is all about them. With reflection, your words can bring peace, hope, and comfort.

Grief does not have a timeline. It shifts over time, but it stays with us. If you offer words of comfort early in a friend or family member’s grief, you help lay a foundation for healthy grief. Your carefully chosen words tell them that you care, and you tell them it is OK to be sad, angry, confused, afraid, and to have any other feelings of grief they may experience. Your words tell them you are there for them, and that is a gift.

We want our words to convey we care and express comfort when we are reaching out to someone who is grieving. It shows compassion to take the time to learn which words are most helpful, where to seek inspiration for words of comfort, and when is the best time to offer support.

Sometimes a small gift can help express words of comfort while also communicating that your grieving friend is loved and heard.

Inspirational Gifts

It can be intimidating to support people who are in fresh, deep grief, but we can offer comfort in a variety of ways. Choose words of empathy when comforting your friends and family, while also giving them outlets to process their feelings of grief.

• Poems
  • Sympathy cards often have carefully crafted messages of a few lines or full poems. Choose a card that stirs your heart, and then write a message in the card inspired by the poem. Choose a few key words in the card’s poem that struck you to help craft your personalized note.
  • There are wonderful poems that beautifully express how grief can feel. Read several before choosing one that feels appropriate to send to a grieving friend or family member. Add a personal note that expresses your condolences, whether you send the poem in a card, in an email, or by another method.
• Books
  • Countless books are available to guide people through the early stages of grief. Read reviews or ask friends for books that helped them before purchasing a book. Pick a book that is closely related to their loss, such as losing a parent or child. Accompany the book with a card about why you chose the book and how you hope it helps.
  • If the bereaved person has a strong faith they follow, find a devotional book that guides them in finding hope in their grief through Scripture and the teachings of their faith.
• Journals
  • Journals are a great gift that communicates how much you care while also encouraging them to process their feelings of grief. There are journals that are created for people who are grieving, and these journals have prompts at the top of the pages that guide the bereaved in sharing their emotions. A short note about how you hope the journal helps them express the heavy feelings of grief can be meaningful and comforting.
  • There are also grief journals that are full of adult coloring pages. Coloring can be soothing and lower anxiety.

Journals, books, and poems tell your grieving friend that you care. They give you words without having to say much, and they communicate your hope that your friends feel safe to address their grief openly.

Timing

It can never be too early to reach out to someone you know who is grieving. Upon hearing of their loss, a phone call, flowers, or card are compassionate ways to express condolences. You can connect again after the funeral and again weeks later. The more you show you are present, the more your friend or family member will feel heard and loved by you. They will trust that your care is genuine, and your empathy will give them permission to grieve how they need.

Words of Comfort

Words of comfort can come directly from you, inspired by a poem, found in a book, or in a journal prompt designed to validate grief. Words can heal, and they can encourage healthy expressions of grief. Words can demonstrate the presence of someone who cares.

Sympathy Cards help us express condolences, whether or not we are comfortable with difficult conversations and sensitive words. The quotes and poems in the cards are written to communicate comfort and empathy, and a carefully chosen card can demonstrate that our grieving friend or family member is in our thoughts. We can communicate that we are there for them.

Who Should Send a Sympathy Card

Sending a sympathy card is appropriate in almost every type of situation when you would like to express condolences. If you are closer to the person who has lost someone, you may want to include a few sentences of personal condolences. If you also knew the person who died, you can share a favorite story or memory of that person within the sympathy card.

Choosing the Right Card

Picking out a card can be overwhelming. Some stores have row after row of sympathy cards. There are a few questions to ask yourself when choosing a card:

• Who is the recipient?
• What is the relationship between the recipient and the deceased?
• Did you know the deceased well?
• How well do you know the recipient of the card?
• Does the recipient rely heavily on their faith?

Asking yourself those questions can guide you in the right direction. The messages in the cards may be Scripture, poems, or a simple but compassionate sentence. Your own personal note can be inspired by the words included in the card.

The Ideal Time to Send a Card

The best time to send a sympathy card is soon after learning of the death of your loved one’s friend or family member. A timely sent card demonstrates your empathy and that your grieving friend or family member is in your thoughts. Choose a card that moves you, fits the situation as closely as possible, and helps you express condolences and comfort.

Condolence messages are sometimes brief but they can still be meaningful. There are a few instances when brevity is appropriate, such as in a group card, small card with flowers, attached to a casserole or meal delivery service gift card, or in a digital medium. Consider who is receiving the message, who died, if you are sending the message alone or in a group, and how you are choosing to express your sympathy.

To help guide you in choosing a message, here are some samples:

Notes for a Gift or Flower Arrangement:

• Thinking of you
• I am/We are sorry for your loss. You are in my/our thoughts and prayers.
• Praying you find peace and comfort as you grieve such a heavy loss.
• I will always remember that ______ loved (name of flowers). I hope these remind you of her/him. Thinking of you, and praying for you.

Scripture:

• “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
• “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
• “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
• “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13
• Psalm 23 in its entirety

Short Sentiments to Someone of the Jewish Faith:

• “May God console you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” (Ha’makom yenahem etkhem betokh she’ar avelei Tziyonvi’Yerushalayim)
• “May the memory of the righteous be a blessing.” (Zekher tzadik livrakha)
• “May you be consoled (or comforted) from Heaven.” (Min haShamayim Tenuhamu)

Short Sentiments for a Card from a Group or Individual:

• Our/My deepest sympathies, (signed)
• She/he was a wonderful _______. He/she will be missed.
• Losing ______ is such a terrible loss. We are thinking of you.
• We cannot imagine how you feel. We are so sorry.
• Words cannot take away the pain, but I am/we are here for you.

Digital Expressions: Text and Social Media

• I saw your post on Facebook, and I wanted to send you a text. This is such terrible news, and it seems so sudden. I am so sorry. I’ll call you in a bit. Answer if you have the bandwidth.
• Oh, my friend. I am so sorry to read this. Your ______ was so kind. I’ll never forget how welcoming she/he was when I spent Thanksgiving at your house our junior year. Thinking of you.
• I just heard you lost your dad. What terrible news. You must miss him already. I’m going to drop off a casserole at your house in about an hour. It’s frozen. Just reheat it when you need it. There’s a post-it on it with instructions. I’ll ring the bell. If you’re up for a visitor, then I’ll gladly come in and listen to anything you want to chat about. If you don’t have the energy, no worries. There’s a fresh box of soft tissues in the bag, too. I’ll check in again soon no matter what.
• Hey, I am here for you. Anytime. I’ll keep checking in.

When it comes to sending sympathy messages, it is the quality of the message, not the quantity of the words, that matters. Just showing up, and sending love, means so much to the bereaved.

People often worry about what to say and do when someone they know is grieving a recent loss. We can communicate our support verbally and non-verbally. The goal is to provide comfort, show them we care, and be sensitive to their feelings while also validating those same, deep feelings.

Preparing to Communicate

Before reaching out to someone and expressing condolences, there are few things to reflect on that could help you feel more comfortable and say something more personal.

First, consider your relationship to the deceased and to the person grieving, as well as the grieving person’s relationship to the deceased. Was it their young child or their adult child? Their parent or grandparent? Their spouse?

Next, consider the type of death: Was it sudden, such as a drowning, car accident, or short-term illness? Or was it due to a long-term illness, such as a chronic or congenital disease, or a treatment-heavy cancer? Other types of death could include suicide, miscarriage, or infant death.

Taking a moment to reflect on the relationships and type of death can guide you in how best to support a person with and without words. Keep your answers in mind as you communicate your care for a grieving friend, family member, neighbor, or co-worker.

How to Communicate

Our goal is to communicate that we care and that we are sad this person is hurting so deeply. We can do this with both our actions and our words. The Written and Spoken Word: It is normal to worry about what to say to someone, both to them and in writing. There are many simple yet comforting ways to communicate your condolences, including these examples:

• “There are no words to make this better. I am here, though.”
• “She lit up every room. I loved her stories. You must miss her so much.”
• “I’ll never forget the time _____. I wonder if you have a favorite memory that comes to mind.”
• “I feel so lucky to have known him even a little. I am so sorry he is gone.”
• “I am here.” “I would love to hear stories about _____.”

Tell Instead of Ask: When someone is grieving, it is common to say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you,” or “Can I do anything for you?” Though meaningful, these do not always end up helping the grieving person.

The former requires a grieving person to make decisions at a time when doing so is incredibly difficult. You can take away the stress of decision making when they are in a fog by taking the initiative and doing something for them.

The latter is a closed-ended question, and we want to create space for people to share. If they can answer only “yes” or “no,” then they probably will. An open-ended question or one with a choice can be helpful, such as, “Would you like me to bring you dinner on Thursday or Friday?” That way, you are bringing dinner regardless, but you gave them a choice as to when.

Actions Bring Comfort: There are countless acts of service you can do to relieve stress, communicate compassion, and show that you care when someone you know is grieving. Oftentimes, normal daily activities that we do without thinking are forgotten by people in raw grief. You can communicate that you care by doing some of those tasks for them. A few examples include:

• Delivering meals, organizing a meal train, or picking up groceries.
• Paying for a maid service, or cleaning their home with the help of family or friends.
• It can be exhausting to answer the phone and texts when grief is fresh. Offer to be a point person to communicate with friends and neighbors about funeral information and the family’s needs.
• Drive their kids to activities, pick up their dry cleaning, or deliver flowers and keepsakes to the funeral home.

The Power and Purpose of Communication

The purpose of communicating with someone after a loss is to express condolences, show them we care, and validate their grief. We also want to assure them they are not alone. We are here. We can do this with actions and with words. Communicate with heart, and they will feel the comfort.

Messages of sympathy can be in the form of a gesture, a note, a phone call, gifts, such as flowers and meals, and anything else that may seem simple but conveys care and support. The method you choose can be as personal as the relationship between you and the person grieving.

Sample Expressions

Here are some expressions that are simple but heartfelt and can be used to express sympathy: 

• I am so sorry you lost ______.
• You must miss him/her so much.
• I wish I could take away your pain. I am here.
• I am praying you find peace.
• Thinking of you.
• Sending you my deepest condolences.
• I miss her/him, too.
• This is terrible. I am so sorry.
• When you need a safe space to cry, I am here.
• I am ready to listen anytime you would like to talk.
• Sending thoughts of peace and comfort.
• Sample Sympathy Message

Below is a sample message to help guide you in writing your own note of sympathy.

Dear, _____,

Your mother was always full of joy, and her smile lit up the room. I imagine you already miss that smile. I am sorry you lost her. The last time we talked, you were telling me how close you had become. I hope that great relationship gives you comfort. The news of her death came as a shock, and I am thinking of you constantly. Please know that I am always here to listen and give you a safe space to cry. Her presence will be missed. 

Sending you peace, comfort, and my deepest condolences,
______

Sample Faith-Based Sympathy Messages

Many people find hope in their faith when they are grieving a heavy loss. A message based on faith may bring them comfort. There are a few things to consider before choosing to express sympathy with a faith-based message:

1. If you are not familiar with their beliefs, then check resources on their faith in order to tailor the message to their faith. You can also ask a friend of that particular faith to share some common sympathy phrases, poems, or quotes.
2. Be sure to focus on their faith and not yours. The goal is to help them find comfort in their own belief system.
3. Keeping in mind the peace, comfort, and hope people often find in their own faith when they are in distress, this is not the ideal time for a theological discussion.

Here are two sample faith-based messages to help guide you in providing comfort and sympathy. These examples are by no means exhaustive but can give you a sense of what may be helpful when incorporating faith-related words and sayings. Note these specific examples are for someone of the Christian (Protestant) faith and for someone of the Jewish faith. 

Dear _______,

I am still in shock over the news of your father’s death, and the hurt you must be feeling is unimaginable. He was such a kind man, and I will never forget him driving out in the rain, late at night, to jump my car when my battery died. That’s just one of the many things he did for people. Anytime someone needed help, he was there. Now, I am here for you. 

I am praying that our God of peace and love brings you comfort. May you find hope in Christ. You must miss him so much and wish he were here. May your dad’s strong faith and belief in eternal life bring you peace as you miss his laugh, his generosity, and the way he could fix absolutely anything.

Praying for you,
____________


Here is a sample message of sympathy that can be shared with someone of the Jewish faith. 

Dear _______,

I am so incredibly sorry to learn about the death of your grandmother. She had such a beautiful soul, and although I only met her a few times, she always lit up the room. I know how much she loved playing cards with her friends, and hopefully you can carry on that tradition with your friends and loved ones. I wish you lasting memories to fill your heart now and always. zichrona l’bracha: May her memory be a blessing.

With Love,
___________

It can be difficult to say and do the right thing when someone we know is grieving. Your effort to be present matters, and taking the time to reflect on how to express condolences is a demonstration of your compassion for their broken heart.

Showing Care Through Actions

Actions are full of love, and they validate grief when we are not sure what to say. If your neighbor lost a loved one, gather other neighbors to deliver meals, clean their home when they do not have the energy to do it, and mow their lawn. If your co-worker is grieving, check on them throughout the day by ensuring they eat their lunch, bring them a cup of tea, and keep a fresh box of tissues both on your desk and theirs to show them they are safe to cry with you.

For friends and family, you can help by driving their kids to school, running errands, and keeping the flowers that are delivered fresh. Sending flowers is a common way to express condolences, and many grieving people find comfort in the gesture. When the flowers die or need water, however, it can be a tough reminder of what is lost. A close friend or family member can tend to the flowers without the bereaved person knowing. It is a small but meaningful task.

Showing Care Through Words

We also want to comfort people who are grieving with words. Handwritten notes are a lost art, and people feel loved receiving one. Co-workers, neighbors, and friends can write group or individual cards. In these notes, be intentional about sharing how sorry you are for their loss. If you knew the person who died, share a memory you have of them. If you never met them, try to find a way to reference something your friend had shared about them. Personal touches go a long way.

Expressions of Love

When we start from a place of compassion and empathy while adding personal touches, our expressions of condolences can validate people’s grief, show we are there for them, and help with healing.

People appreciate not having to make too many decisions when in heavy grief and often forget to handle daily tasks. You can express condolences by handling some of those tasks without being asked.

People feel loved by kind and empathic words. You can express condolences with loving, validating, open statements of hope verbally and in the written word. However you choose to express your condolences, know that they will be meaningful.

Active listening is a skill professionals such as chaplains, therapists, and social workers put emphasis on in order to be fully present for people processing heavy feelings. It is not easy, but any effort you can make to listen to friends and family who are grieving can be a gift to them.

Listening vs. Hearing

Listening is harder than we think. We hear a lot, but listening is deep and an act of intentional care. Teenagers hear their parents asking them to clean their rooms, but they may not listen. If we sit down with someone and have an agenda, then listening is hard. We can hear, but we may not listen.

When we have an agenda, even a loving one, we can be determined to meet that agenda. For instance, we may visit a friend who recently lost their mother. We aim to be a good friend and let them discuss how they feel about the funeral itself, and we ask a great, open-ended question such as, “I wonder how you felt about the stories your dad told.” Your friend may answer, and then start processing how she felt the night her mother died. You may nod and then comment on how you cried during the second story.

In this example, your friend was thinking a lot about her mom’s last moments and needed to share it with someone. You heard her, but she needed someone to listen and follow her lead, instead of sharing their own thoughts on the funeral. Just being present is enough.

How to Actively Listen

The goal is to help our grieving friends feel safe to talk vulnerably while we talk less, and allow them to talk about whatever they need. While this is a difficult skill to master, there are some ways to listen more actively. They include:

Mirroring: Mirroring is a technique utilizing the mirror neurons in our brains to mirror an action someone else is doing. It can be used to express empathy. We can mirror with our body by copying how our grieving friends are sitting. If their body language is closed off, you can slowly open your body language to be inviting, calm, and safe. They will slowly open up, too, and when their body relaxes, they will process their feelings more freely.

We can also mirror with our words to show we are listening, and to let our grieving family members know we care about how they feel. When we calmly repeat a simple but powerful phrase someone shared, we validate how they feel and communicate that we are listening. They feel safe and able to continue talking about heavy topics.

Short words: Simple words can convey the message that you are listening while not interrupting their train of thought. Examples are “Hm,” “Mmm,” “Wow!,” “Oh, ___. That’s awful,” and “It is good to cry.” Saying your grieving friend or family member’s name after a short word is a reminder that you care about them.

Open-ended questions or statements: Close-ended questions can literally close off a conversation, and you may find yourself asking more questions than intended to keep the conversation going. Close-ended questions are anything that can be answered in “yes” or “no” without the need to elaborate. They often start with “Do you ___?” or “Have you ___?”

Open-ended questions and statements require the person to have deeper responses. Examples of open-ended statements and questions are:

• “I wonder if _____.”
• “I wonder how you felt when ______.”
• “What was the last night in the hospital like?”
• “I’d love to hear stories about your mom.”

Body language: Be as calm and relaxed as you can when offering support to someone who is grieving. Keep your arms open, and face them. Look your friend in the eye as they talk. Try to have your phone out of sight so that you are fully focused on them. Your body language communicates how much you want to listen as much as your words.

The power of silence: Many people are uncomfortable with silence. We want to fill the empty space with words, but when we are actively listening we should try to avoid being the one to fill the silence. The aim is to allow the grieving person to fill the silence.

When you are listening to a friend process their grief, notice when you feel uncomfortable in the silence. Notice when you feel the need to talk, and stop yourself. Wait, and count to 20 slowly in your head. Counting to yourself can help you resist talking while you continue to demonstrate with your body language that you are listening. Your friend will break the silence, and it is very likely that what they share after the silence will be full of heavy feelings. Sitting in the silence also gives them permission to cry.

When we think of listening as an action, we can truly show compassion, love, care, and empathy.

Empathy

Part of listening is accepting that we cannot solve our friend’s pain. We cannot take away our family member’s grief. Our goal then is not to fix. Our goal is to show we care. We show empathy by listening, connecting with them, showing compassion, and holding space for them to be as vulnerable in their grief as they need in that moment. We listen.

It is common to feel lost for words when someone we know is grieving. We want to help, and we want to express comfort with kind, compassionate, and loving words. The pain our friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues are experiencing is vivid, yet we are fearful of saying the wrong thing and worry it will only add to their hurt.

Words that Are Not Always Helpful

There are some words that can minimize their grief or not convey the caring message we want. When we minimize someone’s experience, they may not feel heard or safe to express their grief. It is important to remember that anyone who will take the time to find the right words is already starting from a place of peace, hope, and love.

There are some phrases to avoid as best you can, shared below.

• Statements that begin with “at least”.
  • “At least you know you can get pregnant.” This is frequently said to a woman after a miscarriage. While it may be intended to give her hope, it tells her that her grief over the lost baby is not real. She needs space to grieve that loss.
  • “At least you have other kids/the other twin.” Statements like this are often said to parents when a child dies, particularly premature babies when they have other children at home.
  • “At least they lived a long time.” Whether a person lives for a few hours or 100 years, their friends and family will always hope for more time.
• “I know how you feel,” “I understand what you’re going through,” and other similar phrases. Even if you had a loved one die in a similar situation, we can never fully know how someone feels. We can, however, say and do things that open space for them to tell us how they feel.
• Faith-based statements. Even if you and the bereaved person are of the same faith, we still need to be cautious about comforting grieving people with platitudes that are faith-based. Let them open the conversation about any questions or hope they find in faith. It will be more meaningful if they can lead discussions on faith and end of life. Some phrases to avoid include:
  • “God needed another angel.” This is theologically incorrect information about angels, but it also minimizes a person’s hope to have their loved one with them. Children may even respond, “But I needed them.”
  • “They’re in a better place.” While most people of faith believe in an afterlife, there are also many people with and without faith who are not sure. Let them share their beliefs with you instead.

There are other words and phrases that are not as helpful as others. Remember what brought you comfort when your own grief was raw and what words shut you down. Keep those in mind as you try to be a safe space for others who are grieving.

Words that Heal and Comfort

When expressing sympathy and condolences, we aim to validate pain, hold space for the bereaved to feel safe to share their feelings, and show that we truly care. We want to give them hope and let them know they are not alone.

Healing and comforting words are stronger than those that are misspoken, but even the phrases that we should try to avoid come from a place of love. There are some phrases that can give hope, and create space for processing deep feelings of grief. They include:

• “I am here.”
• “I cannot imagine how you feel.”
• “You must miss them so much. I am so sorry they are not here anymore.”
• “It is OK to cry.”
• “I am able to ____.” Share how you can help instead of asking how to help. Offer to pick up kids from school, deliver meals, or keep their refrigerator full.

There are endless words that convey compassion, sympathy, and condolences. Your presence speaks those words beautifully.

Just Being There

Sometimes, words are not necessary. Simply being present can speak louder and kinder than many words. When you do speak, however, let your words show openness and compassion. Do not worry about triggering their grief by asking about their loved one.

They are experiencing the complex emotions that come with grief, but they would love to feel seen and heard. It can fill them with peace and hope when someone says their loved one’s name and asks to hear stories. Let them talk, and you will give them more comfort than imaginable.