Grief & Coping

Everyone grieves in different ways and experiences waves of different emotions throughout the mourning process. According to a WebMD survey, the two main emotional symptoms people reported after a death were sadness (76 percent) and depression (43 percent). What is clear is that grief is not a “one size fits all” experience, and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

However, many psychiatrists and counselors recognize that there are certain aspects of grieving that most people experience at some point. The stages of grief concept was first popularized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist. She was known for her theory of the “five stages of grief”. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Kübler-Ross has made it clear that these stages are not linear, but instead circular. Some people may not experience any of them, while others experience some or all. She also noted that these stages of grief can be felt for life events and circumstances unrelated to death, such as divorce, job loss, or the end of a friendship. However, knowing these stages can help people understand the feelings they may have while grieving, and better process their grief in a healthy way.

Let us take a deeper dive into each of the five stages:

Stage One: Denial and Isolation

“Something like this could never happen to me,” is a common thought people have after getting a diagnosis or experiencing an extreme loss. We see bad things happen to people in the news or on TV, but we never think it can happen in our life. This stage of denial is usually the first step taken on the path of grieving, and it is often temporary. It can sometimes lead to avoiding the preparation of one’s own death or the death of someone else, such as refusing to create a will or visit the graveside.

Stage Two: Anger

Anger is a common emotion that erupts soon after the death of a loved one or a terminal diagnosis. Anger can be directed at oneself, at others – loved ones or medical professionals, at a higher power, or even at the person who died. No matter where the anger comes from, it is a completely natural emotion, because death is not fair and it is also not something within our control.

Stage Three: Bargaining

Sometimes when someone is nearing death or has a loved one who is dying, they will try to bargain with themselves, or with a higher power, in order to delay or stop the death from happening. They may say, “If I act a certain way, or cut certain things out of my life, I will become healthy again;” or “If I give to charity and do good things for the world, my loved one will survive.” It may also be a time when people ask themselves, “What if,” as a way to believe they could have changed the outcome if only they did something differently.

Stage Four: Depression

Stage four is centered around feelings of depression. At this point, the dying or their loved ones realize that death is imminent. They may express thoughts such as, “What is the point of even going on?” and become more sullen, quiet and reclusive. Time spent alone is a way for them to disconnect from the people and things they love, so as not to continue hurting themselves or others.

Stage Five: Acceptance

According to Küber-Ross, the final stage of grief happens when they have made peace with the impending or recent death. The person who is dying understands that this is going to happen, so they should be prepared. They have a sense of dignity in the ability to cope with what is to come. The same goes for loved ones – they may not be OK with their loved one dying, but they know they will be OK when they do pass away.

Two Additional Stages

Some professionals believe there are two more stages of grief beyond the traditional five: “Shock” and “Testing”. While grief is not a straight line, shock tends to happen right after the prognosis or death, while testing may occur prior to acceptance.

When someone enters the shock stage, they are not able to process the news they have just heard. Even if they knew it was coming, it can still be surprising and distressing. The dying or their loved ones may go on as if nothing has changed, because they are in a state of disbelief.

The testing stage of the grieving process often involves trying out different tactics to help the person move forward – whether it is with what is left of their life, or after their loved one has died. They may settle into a “new normal,” and work toward finding ways to better cope with their feelings, such as journaling, finding a support group, or completing a bucket list.

Coping with Grief at Any Stage

While there are various strategies to help deal with grief, just allowing oneself to go through the stages and accept the emotions that come with each step can be the best coping mechanism of all. However, not everyone is able to process their emotions on their own, and it is easy to get stuck in a certain stage, or stages, and feel like there is no way out. Seeking the help of friends and family, clergy, or a licensed professional can help the dying or their loved ones move forward in peace.

Grief is a feeling everyone will experience at some point in their lifetime. About 2.5 million people die in the United States annually, each leaving an average of five grieving people behind. Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone or something, and it varies in intensity and length depending on the relationship and value placed on the person or situation that is lost or has changed.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve; each person has his or her own unique personality and set of coping skills and finds comfort and acceptance in different ways. We all come from different backgrounds and circumstances, we believe in different things, and we have varying viewpoints on religion, spirituality, and what happens after death. Each of these things help guide the grieving process.

Different Ways of Handling Grief

The Hospice Foundation of America puts the experience of grieving this way, “Some have compared grief to snowflakes or fingerprints; each person’s grief is both personal and unique.” For example, some people may want to retreat and spend time alone, while others find the most comfort in being around others. One person may throw themselves into work to distract themselves, while another may take time off to sit in their grief. What matters most is that we allow ourselves to grieve, and do not run away from it.

Grief Is Not a Straight Line

It may be helpful to think of grief not as something that is linear, but something that is circular in nature. According to Memorial Sloan Kettering bereavement counselor Susan Glaser, “Grief is a series of loops. You can circle back to where you were some time ago.” That means you may get to a point where you think you have moved past grief, only for a wave of it to crash upon you once again. Just remember that the waves will eventually recede.

While it has been said there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, everyone’s path is different. Not everyone will go through each stage, and they may occur in a different order. What is most important is that these stages provide the knowledge and understanding of grief, ultimately helping us to cope with loss.

The Stress that Comes with Grief

Grief causes pain and sadness, but it also causes major stress. According to the Holmes And Rahe Stress Scale, the life event that causes the most stress is the death of a spouse or child, followed by divorce, marital separation, imprisonment, and the death of a close family member. It is important to find healthy outlets for your stress – such as exercise, journaling, support groups, or gathering with friends and family – so you can better cope.

The grieving process is emotionally, mentally, and physically difficult. By understanding why and how we grieve, the types of emotions that come along with grief, and that no two people grieve the same way, we can find ways to best cope with our feelings and begin to live in our “new normal.”

Fifty-seven percent of Americans are grieving the loss of someone close to them over the last three years, according to a recent WebMD study. If you are someone who is grieving, it can be challenging to cope, and you may be overcome with feelings of anger, despair and frustration. It may also seem as though this grief will be everlasting; and while you will always carry the memories of the deceased, there are strategies and outlets to help you cope with your grief. This article will explore what coping means and why it is a crucial part of the grieving process. It is important to note that everyone copes with loss in their own way. A coping strategy that works for some may not be the best method for others. It is also helpful to seek assistance and guidance from professionals who are experienced in death-related coping strategies.

This article will explore what coping means and why it is a crucial part of the grieving process. It is important to note that everyone copes with loss in their own way. A coping strategy that works for some may not be the best method for others. It is also helpful to seek assistance and guidance from professionals who are experienced in death-related coping strategies.

What is Coping?

The official definition of coping from the American Psychological Association is, “the use of cognitive and behavioral strategies to manage the demands of a situation when these are appraised as taxing or exceeding one’s resources or to reduce the negative emotions and conflict caused by stress.”

Essentially, when a situation occurs that causes high emotions and stress, and the body and mind is not normally used to handling this type of situation or stressor, you need to find specific strategies to help you deal with the circumstances in order to effectively move forward with your life.

These situations or stressors can be both internal or external. Internal stressors are thoughts and emotions that come from within you that can induce a stress response, such as fears of failure or rejection, insecurities, or perfectionism. On the other hand, external stressors incite a response from outside factors and can include situations out of your control, including losing a loved one, being fired from a job, or being involved in a car accident.

Types of Coping Skills

There are different types of coping strategies to use depending on the type of stressful situation or loss you are experiencing. Problem-centered coping is helpful when you are in a situation you want to change or when you want to get rid of something that is stressful in your life. Examples of this may be an unhealthy relationship or a mentally draining job. Problem-centered coping strategies deal with external factors that can cause problems for your mental health, like personal relationships and your environment.

On the other hand, emotion-centered coping skills are strategies to employ when the situation or circumstance is out of your control, and you need to take care of your emotional health – such as when a loved one dies. These types of skills are important for your emotional wellbeing when you are grieving a recent death.

Special Circumstances Can Lead to Coping Challenges

While every type of loss is difficult, certain circumstances lend themselves to more complicated or complex grief, which can lead to the need for more specialized coping strategies. For instance, death by suicide can cause an intense amount of grief, but can also lead to feelings of guilt and confusion. When someone dies during the holiday season, it can attach painful memories to those holidays and create the need for special coping skills whenever that time of year comes around. Losing a child creates a whole set of special circumstances that need to be processed, because parents are grappling with the pain of losing someone who was supposed to outlive them. And with a stillbirth or miscarriage, the grief, and therefore, the coping skills, are complex, because of the loss of life before it even truly began.

Why is Coping Important?

Having the right set of coping skills is key to moving past grief in a healthy way. Coping strategies can help you better tolerate and deal with stressful and painful life circumstances. And when your stress levels are lowered, you feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, enabling you to be the best version of yourself.

“Are you OK?” “What can I do to help?” “I’m here for you.”

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, well-meaning friends and family may reach out and try to help. However, it can be difficult to accept others’ help, especially when they are not going through the same experience as you. While they may not say or do exactly the right things, having a support system in place can help you more effectively cope with your loss.

This article explores strategies to help you cope with loss of any kind. While every experience is different, there are certain general techniques that can help you begin to move forward.

1. Try Positive Reframing. While there may be nothing worse than having someone tell you to “look on the bright side,” there is real evidence that trying to have a positive attitude can help you better cope with loss. Even when it may seem as though you will never get out of the darkness, by understanding that grieving is a process, and reminding yourself these feelings won’t last forever, you can begin to feel the light.
2. Tap Into Your Spirituality. Whether you are religious or not, you can still look to spirituality to help guide you through your grieving process. Being spiritual can mean going to your house of worship, or it can mean taking time to meditate. However you seek spirituality, know that it has true healing powers.
3. Communicate. As mentioned earlier, it may be difficult to talk with people who do not truly understand the intense feelings that come with a huge loss, but it is still important to communicate with someone or something. Keeping feelings bottled up inside will only cause you more harm. Jot down your thoughts in a journal, seek help from a mental health professional, or ask a close friend to just listen.
4. Practice Self-Care. According to Matthew Sacco, PsyD, psychologist for Cleveland Clinic, “Self-care is anything that we kind of deliberately do or refrain from doing with our own well-being in mind, anything that promotes our own physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual well-being. It doesn’t really have to be more complicated than that.” Whether for you that means exercising, going out with friends, getting a massage, or even just taking a bath, take part in an activity that helps you relax and refocus.
5. Find a Way to Accept the Situation. Losing someone or something is not fair. Yet it is a natural part of life. Just because you accept that the loss happened, it doesn’t mean you have to be OK with it. Instead, try to focus on what comes next in your life and find ways to live with the loss.

Grieving the death of a loved one, or the loss of something important in your life, is one of the hardest things us humans must do. But when you are able to employ useful coping strategies such as the ones mentioned in this article, you can process your loss in a healthy way.

Plane crash. Pandemic. Mass shooting. Terminal Illness. Suicide. 

These are just some examples of traumatic events that can cause intense survivor’s guilt. 

Survivor’s guilt occurs when a person feels guilty because they survived a life-threatening event that others did not. It can also apply to a situation such as a recession, where everyone around you has been laid off but you maintained your job and your income. 

No matter the specific circumstance, survivor’s guilt is real and is much more common than people may realize. In a study of people who were receiving treatment from a traumatic stress clinic in the U.K., 90 percent of participants who had survived an event when others had died reported experiencing feelings of guilt.

Signs of Survivor's Guilt

Often people with survivor’s guilt feel as though they did something wrong or they somehow could have prevented the tragedy or trauma from occurring. Feelings of unworthiness, confusion, depression, or even thoughts of suicide are common for survivors. What’s more, those suffering from guilt may have trouble sleeping or performing normal, everyday tasks; may feel angry and isolated; or may even experience physical pain such as headaches, nausea, or stomach aches. 

A person experiencing survivor’s guilt can self-blame, isolate and avoid their feelings. Often those suffering from survivor’s guilt might begin to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, which may eventually lead to addiction. That is why it is crucial that those experiencing survivor's guilt seek healthy, productive ways to deal with their feelings. 

Coping with Survivor's Guilt

Research has found that many people with survivor’s guilt recover without treatment within the first year following the trauma. Yet, at least one-third of people will continue to have PTSD symptoms for three years-plus. 

The following tips can help you, or someone you know, recover from these feelings of guilt; however, those who are unable to do so on their own should seek the guidance of a mental health professional. 

Remove Blame. When a tragedy occurs, it is natural to assign blame – and when you are a survivor of the tragedy, you may want to blame yourself. Instead, ask yourself who it is that is truly responsible for the event. Chances are the answer will be a natural disaster, an unforeseen health problem, or something else completely out of your control. Instead of taking blame for the loss, let yourself feel sad while recognizing you are not responsible for what happened. 

Allow Yourself to Grieve. To that end, it is important to grieve the loss of your loved one. Remind yourself that you are strong and capable, and you can handle the feelings of sorrow and grief. Mourning is an important aspect of recovery, and when you focus on guilt instead of grief, your mental health will suffer. Instead, find ways to grieve in a healthy way, such as visit your house of worship, find a local grief center, or talk to a professional. 

Seek Gratitude. While you may feel guilty that you survived the trauma, others are grateful that you are still alive. Your friends and family would be devastated if you had also perished, so consider how relieved your loved ones are that you survived. Try to see survival as a gift; seek gratitude in your circumstances and spread that gratitude to others. 

Make an Impact. Channel your guilt into doing good for the world. Honor those who were lost by creating a sense of purpose and direction. Whether donating to a charity that meant something to the deceased, volunteering at a local shelter, advocating for an important cause, or memorializing your loved one, you can still find meaning out of loss. 

Practice Self-Care. Self-care is anything you do to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Examples include getting a good night’s sleep, eating a balanced diet, exercising, hiking in nature, or meditating. Whenever you are starting to feel survivor's guilt creep up on you, choose an activity that you enjoy, and you will be on your way to feeling less guilt, and more gratitude. 

It can be hard to focus on any task following the loss of a loved one. So the idea of finding a grief center may seem like too big of an undertaking. Yet, grief centers can be tremendously helpful in navigating your grief journey, and given the wealth of resources available online today, it is now easier than ever to make an informed choice when seeking outside support.

There are a few factors to consider when seeking a grief center, including location, nature of your loss, age groups, and more. But first, it is helpful to understand what grief is and why it is important to find healthy ways to cope.

Understanding Grief and the Healing Process

Grief is a complex feeling, and it often can become overwhelming and all consuming. Acknowledging these emotions is an important and natural part of the healing process. The more we comprehend the dynamics of our grief, the better equipped we become to cope with the loss.

It is also important to remember that everyone is different – and every loss is different – and there is no set timetable for grief. The intensity and duration of grieving will vary based on one's relationship with the departed and the circumstances surrounding the loss. And while there is no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving, it is still essential to recognize that healthy coping mechanisms do exist. Sometimes, seeking professional assistance or joining a support group can be the key to understanding the grieving process and moving toward acceptance and healing.

Exploring Grief Centers

Grief and bereavement centers offer valuable resources for those grappling with the loss of a loved one. Professional grief support can prove invaluable, whether you are struggling to move past your grief or just need a guiding hand to navigate this challenging terrain. The duration of grief therapy varies, with individuals choosing between short-term and long-term commitments based on their preferences and the depth of their grief.

Selecting the Ideal Grief Center

Given the uniqueness of the grieving process, it is important that the bereaved is as involved as possible in choosing the right grief center for their needs. There are grief centers specializing in particular types of loss, such as the loss of a parent or spouse. There are also “Grief Camps” available for children, which offer a supportive environment where kids can express their feelings and share stories with others their age. Group therapy and one-on-one counseling are both available as well, with each offering distinct benefits depending on personal preferences.

6 Questions to Ask When Choosing a Grief Center

When seeking a grief center for yourself or for a loved one, there are a few factors to consider. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Where is it located? When choosing a grief center, it may seem like a close location would be most logical, but sometimes mourners find solace in a more distant setting, away from their current environment. When it comes to children, numerous grief camps throughout the U.S. offer a comforting setting tailored to their specific needs.
2. What ages does it cater to? If you are searching for a grief center or camp for a child or teenager, you should consider facilities focused on their age group. It is often helpful to involve the young ones in the decision-making process, as it can empower them during a difficult time. Grief experiences can vary widely among children and teenagers, so age-specific programs are crucial.
3. Do I/they want group or individual help? Sometimes the bereaved find comfort in sharing their pain in a group setting, while others are more comfortable one-on-one. Grief centers typically offer both individual counseling and group therapy, and choosing the right setting depends on the individual's needs and comfort levels.
4. Do I/they want a faith-based center? For individuals whose faith plays a significant role in their lives, it is worth considering religious affiliations when seeking a grief center. Local places of worship, such as churches, synagogues, and mosques, often offer resources as well as their own grief support programs.
5. What type of loss is being experienced? Sometimes grief programs may be structured to specific types of loss, such as the death of a spouse, sibling, or child. Finding a program that aligns with the nature of your loss can be particularly beneficial, since these centers will be more specialized in your type of loss and can cater more directly to your needs.
6. What is my/their current level of grief? Some mourners avoid confronting painful emotions and tell themselves, “I am doing fine, I do not need any help.” Yet everyone, no matter what level of grief they are at, can benefit from the guidance of professionals and the outside perspective of a grief center. Even if you are not feeling the need for therapy at the moment, feelings and emotions can change quickly. And if you are experiencing constant feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, seeking support is highly recommended.

Choosing the right grief center has become more accessible in the digital age, thanks to directories and online resources. By considering these factors and engaging with the available support options, you can find the ideal grief center to help you or your loved ones move down the path toward healing.